Could this book transform our parenting?

Being familiar with Clinical Psychologist Dr Markham’s child-centred and relationship-based parenting tips, I was keen to discover whether her book “Calm parents, happy kids” might be a useful parenting tool for us Intensive Interaction families.

Just a quick glance at the index reveals her book was not written with children with autism or other communication disorders in mind. Yet her philosophies are so close to Intensive Interaction parenting beliefs that it was hard to simply discount this book without properly investigating. In fact, her one very brief mention of children with autism could actually have been lifted straight out of the pages of an Intensive Interaction book! She is definitely on the same wavelength as us.

“These kids want to connect; you just have to be creative to find the ways of connecting that work best. If your child fits this description, I urge you not to give up on seeking connection. Pay close attention to the way your child responds and adjust your attempts accordingly.”

A 3 step approach – just for typically-developing children?

In a very relaxed and easy-to-read style, the book describes a simple 3-step approach to successful parenting: 1. Self-regulation; 2. Connection; and 3. Coaching (not controlling). Again - very familiar territory for those that have received parent-training in the principles and practices of Intensive Interaction.

However, the book is (understandably) peppered with what must be very useful anecdotes and examples for parents of typically-developing children but that often require some interpretation or thought to apply to our children.

If you can pick your way through these examples, this book offers a fantastic depth of understanding for how the deep connection (that I.I. brings) can benefit both you and your child. It also explains how and why guiding your child’s learning and development (as we do in Intensive Interaction), rather than trying to take control is more beneficial. This is vital background understanding for Intensive Interaction parents. If you are brand new to Intensive Interaction, you would also need to read up on I.I. itself or attend training.

Re-Motivating

Reading through I found myself unable to identify with many of the anecdotes, but, nevertheless deeply convinced by the line of argument and re-motivated to get up and go and do some fantastic Intensive Interaction with my son! It’s so important to keep reminding ourselves of the profound validity of our approach. Any method we can find to re-motivate ourselves is a good one and I suggest that reading this book is a great way to do so.

Recommended

The book offers some wonderful thought-provoking gems of wisdom and advice. I particularly loved Dr Markham’s interpretation of the old Chinese proverb “Our children need roots to grow and wings to fly”. She says that the ‘roots’ are the child’s attachment or bond with its parents and that the wings are the child’s ability to assert itself or to have power in its own life. Both, of course, are Intensive Interaction learning outcomes.

In short, for a deeper understanding of Intensive Interaction principles or for some re-motivating reading, this is a great read!

“Calm parents, happy kids: the secrets of stress-free parenting.” By Dr Laura Markham. Vermilion. 2014. £9.07 from Wordery.com ISBN: 9780091955205