Falling in love again ... An Intensive Interaction Tale (I.I. week 2018)

It’s hard being the parent of an autistic child. And sometimes - in the daily round of special diets, appointments with therapists, concerns about behaviour, social isolation and worry about the future - we can just lose sight of who our children really are and what they really need from us.

Around a year ago, I was once again at a crossroads, wondering how best to help my son get through each day and make the most of his potential. He was 12 years old, tall, fairly strong and quite athletic, and he was becoming aggressive with his tutors.

His favourite tutor, Lily was arriving for sessions (he is educated at home) looking apprehensive and

nervous. Most recently, she had taken him for a walk and he had suddenly lashed out at her, hitting her and pulling her hair with all his adolescent strength.

I know how much he must have hurt her on this occasion because I was accompanying them on the walk, and I saw the full force of his blow. I saw tears in her eyes as she turned away from him. This was not an isolated incident. And I was worried we might lose Lily, one of our most loyal and caring team members.

Coincidentally I had attended an Intensive Interaction course earlier in the year and had been so inspired that I had found a practitioner to come and work with Lily. That first home session was amazing. Under Amandine’s guidance Lily and I focused on Nathan and adapted our communication style to him. To me that is the essence of Intensive Interaction – in a way there is very little to know beside that, but that one sentence opened up a new world for us.

I had been hopeful for Intensive Interaction, but I did not expect Nathan – and Lily – to respond immediately. Within half an hour, the two of them were turn-taking, making eye contact and clearly loving being together. At 1.30 am our consultant left, leaving Lily with some new skills that she couldn’t wait to try out. In fact she worked constantly with my son until 5 pm without a break.

That last sentence is in italics because Nathan had got used to resisting the sessions with his tutor and frequently asking for breaks in sessions. We all lived in fear of his moods if he became too anxious and allowing him those breaks helped to keep him calm.

Yet as the days and weeks went by and Lily continued to use her new Intensive Interaction techniques, he very rarely asked her for breaks. The anxiety melted away and Nathan became more and more social. Lily arrived for sessions looking energised and enthusiastic.

My own relationship with Nathan was transforming too. Two months after that first Intensive Interaction session I cancelled a long-anticipated weekend away with the girls. My son so clearly wanted to be with me and the affection, cuddles and games we exchanged were so heart-warming, that I just couldn’t bear to leave him.

I realised that I was falling in love with him all over again and that the most important thing we can do for our children is to meet them where they are and show them that we love them by seeing them as they really are, beautiful innocent souls, often isolated in a world that is not always equipped to understand and meet their needs.

Lily now feels completely safe when she works with Nathan, he frequently puts his arms around her to show affection and she has no need to flinch when he moves towards her. She recently told our consultant, “I feel connected to him. I really like my job now.” Nathan’s life is unfolding daily. He has just joined a gym and is learning to use the facilities and equipment there, with the help of his tutors. We took him on his first flight (to Sardinia) this summer. And, he is beginning to learn academic skills.